The holidays are fast approaching and no matter what ones you might celebrate (and even if you don't) this time of the year can feel tricky. As a therapist in my daily life this is the time of year that I start hearing more and more about financial strain, family dynamics, food issues, stress, mental load, depression, societal expectation, and the list goes on. These things are often hard on our nervous systems. Now is a good time to start thinking about healing our relationship with these things, deciding what boundaries we need to have in place, and examining our own values. Once we get clear about our values and boundaries and we do some work to heal old wounds and patterns we can start to have a much different relationship with the holidays. It's important to know that this takes time, this is an active practice, and you might hurt feelings. This is all ok.
If you woke up tomorrow and all the stress and worry of the upcoming season was gone, what would be different?
Would you be celebrating the holidays with the people you are currently making plans with?
Would you be buying the gifts for the people you are planning to buy for?
Would you be eating less and heading to the gym every single day focusing on weight loss?
Would you be purchasing the latest and greatest gadget, gaming console, or other big ticket item?
Would you be rushing around to buy more at the last minute because what you've already gotten isn't enough?
These are going to be different for everyone, but they are the beginning of important things to consider.
These are the things I think about as we start to navigate holiday planning season:
Who do I want to spend time with?
Notice I said want. Not who do I feel obligated to spend time with. I remember the first year I decided I would not be attending a larger family gathering. I was filled with a mix of emotions. There was some relief because I knew it was the right choice for me, but also a lot of guilt because I felt like I had let people down. Now that I have been doing what is best for ME for a number of years I have realized that if people have an issue with my choices that belongs to them. It's not up to me to fix it. I think this becomes an issue for a lot of people once they have children. They might not want to drive or travel and want to enjoy the time in their own home with kids. That is perfectly ok. The cool thing is we don't have to celebrate on only one day. Plan something else with family. It's ok to make it work for you.
How do I want to spend my time?
Is it driving, flying, eating, playing, napping, something else? This might also inform where you might want to go. If your ideal day is a good meal, the football game, and a good nap then you might not want to join your in-laws for that Turkey Trot or Santa Shuffle. If you are quiet you might not want to go to the large extended family dinner with all the cousins, but opt for a quiet friendsgiving at home. It's important to get clear on how you like to spend your time. Maybe you love a good trip and flying back home and turning it into a mini-vacation feels supportive to you. Bottom line it, do what is best for you.
Why am I buying a gift?
Gift giving gets tricky. This one often touches on a lot of things. Financial stress, obligation to give to those that give to you, and the "keeping up with the Joneses" and buying all the latest and greatest gear. To start YOU ARE NEVER OBLIGATED TO GIVE A GIFT. I'm sure Mrs. Manners might disagree, but gift giving should come from a place of love and joy, not obligation. I do think there are some social expectations (holidays, weddings) where it might be the "polite" thing to do, but it should not be an obligation. So before you buy every single person in your life something it might be good to sit and think who you would like to gift to and why.
In our home we LOVE to give consumable gifts! Why? Sharing food is a way we share love. When we bake or can for people it's because it truly comes from our hearts. Every year we have a baking day where we do cookies, brownies, and other tasty treats. It allows us to live our values. Time in the kitchen together, not adding to clutter/buying junk, and sharing these skills we have. We both love to cook and bake and we love to share that with others. It also aligns with my value of reducing waste. I also love local buy nothing for "second hand" gifts, experience gifts, and handmade gifts. I'm a knitter, crocheter, quilter, and all around crafty lady. I love personalizing plain wrapping paper, paper gift bags (or reusing the same ones year after year), and making things for my loved ones. I enjoy the creative process, picking out colors/textures/patterns just for the recipient, and everything I make is made with a ton of care.
How do you want your holiday to FEEL?
It took a few years to get there but I want to feel rested. I want to feel peace. Joy. Gratitude. When we make our plans we take these things into consideration. Maybe Midnight Mass isn't for you (for a whole host of reasons) because you want to feel rested, but you go at 10am. Maybe rushing to 3 different family parties feels like too much chaos so you rotate years. Maybe this year you skip the Trump supporting Uncle's house because you just don't want to go there and peace is something you value as you celebrate.
Are the people, events, timelines, traditions going to align with how you want your time and days to feel? If not, you don't have to engage in them.
Please keep an eye out for some videos on this content, comment if you have your own ideas, and I would love to hear what you do that brings you joy, excitement, peace, love, calm, and other warm fuzzies over the next few months.
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